-
> INSTALLING A HUSBAND
>
>
>
> Dear Tech Support,
>
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
> distinct
>
> Slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
>
> Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
>
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
>
> . Romance 9.5 and
>
> . Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs
> such as
>
> . NHL 5.0,
>
> . CFL 3.0 and
>
> . Golf Clubs 4.1.
>
> Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
> the system.
>
> . Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
> problems, but to no avail.
>
> What can I do?
>
> Signed,
>
> Desperate.
>
>
>
> DEAR DESPERATE,
>
> First, keep in mind,
>
> . Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
>
> . Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
>
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears
> 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
>
> . If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
> automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
>
> However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
> 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
>
> . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
> download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
>
> Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
> 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
> control of all your system resources.)
>
> In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
> program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
>
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
> memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
> buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
>
> . Cooking 3.0 and
>
> . Hot Lingerie 7.7.
>
> Good Luck Babe!
>
> Tech Support
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If that doesn't work, you could always try a rolling pin..LOL
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Dont beat the machinery it tends to break. LOL.
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you can always upgrade to better machinery, battieries are not included
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LMAO god woman you are evil
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You mean the dreaded Sextoy 6.5?
It works well with Boyfriend 5.0 and some versions of Husband 1.0 but not all of them. It may require a download of Watchporntogether 1.1 to get Husband 1.0 to accept and integrate the newer software but this is never guaranteed....
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Dear Bob in Tech Support,
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever, as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them seperately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Leisure 3.1 and QuietTime programs, often trying to abort them with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right-as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while to re-check my hardware.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while, until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running FirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a "feature" I didn't know about that automatically detects the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in the background in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts, which is very expensive. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented", as that interface is sometimes cumbersome and even counter-intuitive.
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.1. which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. To his dismay, however, he discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.1 expires within a year of the upgrade, if you don't upgrade AGAIN to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade YET AGAIN to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a HUGE resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. In fact, it has even automatically deleted several of his other programs to make room for itself, not the least of which was DrinkingBuddies 1.0 on a network with several of our mutual friends, and now he can't even connect anymore!
He told me that one of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus, which sounded great. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes inexplicably prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly when he starts the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. Also, for no apparent reason, the OralSex 1.0 module that worked fine in his previous versins of GirlFriendPlus and Fiancee, stopped working the instant the upgrade to Wife 1.0 finished installing.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything with the FreeSexPlus module. This warming up process requires him to run an antiquated version of ForePlay Beta, which has an agonizingly slow interface, and which has an unfortunate tendency to crash, requiring a cold reboot to his system. The real insult to injury however, is that even though he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came embedded with MotherInLaw 2.0, which has an irritating automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 (which I had heard works great in such situation), but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all of your MSMoney files before doing an uninstall of itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Please help me Bob, I don't know what to do. Since the initial release, I have had nothing but problems.
I've heard that I would really like the CoolGirlFriend 1.0 Deluxe Upgrade (which is supposed to come bundled with a completely functioning version of FreeSexDeluxe), but that release is no where to be found-not even the Beta version! That release is also supposed to come with it's own resource management module seamlessly layered in, so it won't conflict with any of my other programs (barring previous versions of GirlFriend, which I would happily delete!).
Please Advise.
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He he he...
-
You also need to be careful when selecting a Girlfriend package that can relate to DrinkBuddies 1.0 because in certain circumstances, they can for unanticipated links which can lead to a malicious program that runs in the background of your basic program. This could lead to crashing of both Girlfriend and DrinkBuddies 1.0, and may cause irreparable damage to the DrinkingBuddies program. The way to avoid this is to make sure you never have the two programs running at the same time. It is also possible to run simultaneous versions of Girlfriend but it requires you to download the WingMan 3.0 add-on to DrinkBuddies 1.0 and frequent use of the CleanCar system tool and expanded memory. Again, see previous warning about running multiple versions of Girlfriend, which increases the likelihood of one of the Girlfriend programs creating the previously mentioned links.
Additionally, one can find versions of the Girlfriend program that run far better than anticipated. These are usually found by not putting as much importance on the packaging and peripherals. Most of these versions of Girlfriend come with a rating of 'Mature' and strict protocols must be observed to make sure the program installs properly. Running DrinkingBuddies at all during installation may cause the 'M' rated Girlfriend program to uninstall itself, especially if one or more of the DrinkingBuddies files crash during the installation.
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If the programs are giving you that much problems to run, maybe you need to upgrade the hardware. I here the newer models are more flexible in the way they run programs.
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Tech Support for Girlfriend x.x - Solution
I suggest you uninstall all Girlfriend and Wife software, and re-install Right-Hand 1.0. It's a stand-alone app, so you won't have to worry about compatibility or install configurations. It requires very little system resources, and it won't interfere with any of your other applications. It's fast and convenient and uncomplicated, and it can be run any time you need it without preloading Foreplay x.x. Also, you can discard the SetMood= line in your config file (a time-consuming and finicky process at the best of times). In fact, if you need to, you can configure it as a TSR, so that it's available at a (key)stroke even while running other applications (just make sure you minimize the other apps first). I guarantee that Right-Hand 1.0 will solve all your FreeSexPlus problems and leave you with a clean system to boot.
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LMAO god thats just too good
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LMAO
You guys are just too wicked
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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. " Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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Dales posts this one every now and then. Can't imagine why......
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Because blunt heavy objects seems to be the only thing that dents thick skulls
:angel4:
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Thick skulls have their advantages.
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Dales posts this one every now and then. Can't imagine why......
Actually this was the first time Ive seen it and couldn't pass on posting it. And I'm thrilled to see they have a his and her version Boo yeah.
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Very bizarre. I thought I'd seen it before.
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The inkblot test: A guide to the clans.
And what do _you_ see in this picture?
Ventrue:
It's just an inkblot. I'm paying you 120 bucks an hour for THIS?
Toreador:
.................................................................
uh, Toreador?.........................
(very quietly) It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Tremere:
My god....it's the lost sigil of Bazophemet! How did you....GIVE ME THE PAPER....
(sounds of burning)
Nosferatu:
What, you forgot to flush?
Gangrel:
Grrrrrrrr...(sniff sniff) ...grrrrrrr
Brujah:
It's just some fucking ink, O.K? What? WHAT? Hey, fuck you too!!
(sounds of breaking bones)
Setite:
I ssssee the eventual conquesssst of our massster Ssset, and hiss lordssship and dominion over all...and tell me doctor...have you ever taken any of the drugsss you pressscribe....
Tzimese:
Hmmmm.... That looks like who I was working on last night....
Lasombra:
...................................
Lasombra, _please_ turn the lights on.
Lasombra: ...................................
Lasombra, for the last time, would you pleaseAAAAARRRRRRGGGG!!!!!!!
Malkvians:
I see... I see...(giggles) That's disgusting!! (giggles again) With a vacume cleaner and...(suddenly serious) Oh no....OH MY GOD!!!! (runs out of the room screaming) THE WHIPPETS ARE COMMING!!! THE WHIPPETS ARE COMMING!!!!!!
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Clan Weaknesses and how they developed.
Ventrue: Okay folks. We have another problem. The "kids" want to know how we tell each other apart...what makes us unique.
Toreador: That's easy...we are all unique...special..beautiful in our own way, we--
Brujah: Shut the hell up. He means like what separates CLANS you pantywaste.
Malkavian: Never waste panties...Too hard to find this time of year.
Ventrue: Yes Brujah. What makes us ... fit into a ... category. What makes us into our CLAN.
Brujah: Yeah ... just another way for the "man" to keep an eye on us.
Malkavian: What man? Where? *looks under the table*
Brujah: Shut up before I mash you kook.
Ventrue: *sighs* Any suggestions?
Toreador: Signature clothing?
Tremere: Necklaces? Mystical pendants?
Malkavian: Cheese ... Different cheeses assigned to each clan. There are a lot of different types to chose from you know?
Brujah: *looks to Nosferatu* Yeah ... lemme guess who Limburger is ....
Nosferatu: … I heard that!
Ventrue: I was thinking more along the lines...of a weakness...a..subtle flaw, or characteristic.
Malkavian: I call Kryptonite!!!
Brujah: *smashes him on the head* Then I must have a Kyrptonite fist. SHUT UP!
Malkavian: uoonnrk
Ventrue: Okay ... Brujah ... yours will be your temper and violence ... For obvious reasons.
Brujah: TEMPER? WHAT TEMPER? … fricking suits … You'd be pissed too if you had to sit between a Nosferatu and a Malkavian.
Ventrue: *coughs* Torrie, since you love art ... you will be known as the artist clan.
Toreador: *sighs, dramatically* Tragic ... yet ... beautiful. Agreed.
Malkavian: *mutters in a small voice* I still want Kryptonite.
Brujah: *SMACK* Hehe. Temper ... okay ... Cool ... I’m liking this!
Malkavian: Unnnggh
Nosferatu: *scratches his chin causing skin to flake off* And my flaw?
*long silence*
Ventrue: *shivers* We'll get back to you, Nos ... Gangrel ... Yours will be ... everytime you frenzy ... you look more like an animal.
Gangrel: WHAT? What do you mean "You look more like an animal??"
Ventrue: It starts off small. You know ... fur ... deep voice... maybe horns....
Gangrel: WHAT??? Oh COME on! Torrie gets to moon over stupid drawings and I get a fricking BEAK? Yeah ... that's REAL fair … *grumbles into a growl*
Assamite: And I?
Tremere: You can't drink kindred blood *laughs* It's poison. Your hair falls out and you look like him. *points to Nos*
Ventrue: Agreed
Nosferatu: … Still waiting ...
*silence, Malk giggles*
Assamite: Why does TREMERE get to pick my weakness.
Tremere: Lump it pal.
Ventrue: Tremere ... if Assamite can't drink kindred blood ... then you have to drink from ... all of your elders.
Malkavian: No one got Kryptonite?
Brujah: *SLAP* Temper ... LOVE it!
Ventrue: Lasombra ... hmm ... no reflection.
Lasombra: You should give THAT to Nos ...
*Stifled giggling from the Malkavian*
Nosferatu: ... I’m still waiting ...
Ventrue: *coughs* Er, be right with you Nos … Is that acceptable Lasombra?
Lasombra: Yeah ... but you guys have to tell me when I have something on my chin.
Ventrue: No problem. Hmm ...Tzimice ... You're weakness ... will be ...
Malkavian: Having a clan name no one can say or spell?
Ventrue: Yes. Err, no. You ... must sleep in your native soil! Or have some in your coffin
Gangrel: WHAT??? I get WEBBED TOES and she has to sleep in DIRT?? What the HELL!!!
Tzimice: Agreed.
Gangrel: I want a new one ...
Nosferatu: Still waiting … have you forgotten me?
*Silence*
Ventrue: Moving right along … Giovanni … Your Kiss hurts … no pleasure in your bite.
Toreador: *mutters* You can say THAT again ...
*Entire room looks to Torrie*
Toreador: Oh ... sorry ... was that out loud?
Giovani: One off night ... plagues you for your unlife ...
Ventrue: Ravnos. You are a criminal by nature.
Ravnos: *gives back Ventrue's wallet* Sorry.
Ventrue: *blinks taking it* Um ... no. I meant *shakes head* Oookay. The money too ...
Ravnos: Oh ... here ... sorry.
Nosferatu: When do I get one?
Brujah: At birth...
*Stifled laughter*
Ventrue: Ahem ... You over there. Setite ... yours is ... you don't like the light
Gangrel: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?? I get a set of BAT wings and he doesn't like bright lights??
Malkavian: Fly my little monkeys ... Fllllyyyyy!!! *collapses into giggles*
Brujah: *raises hand and Malk winces*
Setite: *grins* Agreed ... fair and just. *winks*
Gangrel: *points* He WINKED!! You two had A DEAL SET UP?? God DAMN IT!!! What a crock.
Nosferatu: If you continuing ignoring me ... I will get UGLY.
Malkavian: Too late ...
*Stifled laughter*
Ventrue: Am I missing anyone?
Malkavian: Do I get Kryptonite?
Tzimice: You, little man, have ENOUGH problems ... you don't need an additional flaw.
Ventrue: Then it is settled ....
Nosferatu: You have forgotten yourself ... and I.
Brujah: Yeah. Mr.Picky. What is YOUR flaw.
Ventrue: *smiles* I am picky ... about what I eat ...
Gangrel: *stands up throwing chair back* I am LEAVING!! *pointing around the room* I get udders like a fucking COW and YOU get to sleep in DIRT? YOU are a fussy eater? YOU get to look at art ... YOU ... *finger stops on Nosferatu* ... Okay, I guess it could be worse ...
Nosferatu: Oooh, I get it! I am the unflawed clan ... gotcha.
Brujah: *laughs* Yup ... that's it.
Ventrue: *coughs* Meeting adjourned.
*Malkavian, as he follows everyone out, very quietly singing*
"Im a lumberjack and I’m ok, I sleep all night and I work all day"
-
OMG Bri seriously I laughed like 6 time reading this. Thats almost an adult persons laugh quota for the day.
Funny aint it how little kids can laugh up to 200 times in a day and the average adult laughts only 4-12 times a day.
Thanks for the laughs.
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I have more.....
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The Antidiluvians talk about Sex
(Muffled talking and harsh whispers.)
VENTRUE
Thank you all for coming. As usual, we have a situation on hand that we need to talk about.
TOREADOR
The defacing of the Art Institute by anonymous Rabble?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)
TZIMISCE
Caitiff running wild?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)
TREMERE
The defacing of the Public Libraries?
(Dirty look to BRUJAH.)
(BRUJAH flashes a charming grin to all of them and puts his feet on the table.)
VENTRUE
No. Tonight we are here to discuss... and I do this with heavy reluctance... sex.
(Stunned silence.)
MALKAV
(Stands starting the "Tush Push" and winks at GANGREL.)
Let's talk about SEX bay-bee, let's talk about YOU an' ME...
GANGREL
(Growls.)
Let's not.
RAVNOS
I swear on the blood of my familia, she told me she was 18.
VENTRUE
Malkav. Please be seated. I...
(Blinks and looks at RAVNOS.)
Um... well...
(Shakes his head.)
This is a SERIOUS discussion.
LASOMBRA
So what ABOUT sex?
VENTRUE
The problem is too many of you take your unlife as permission for a post-mortem orgy. We have rules. Politics. Standards to follow. We are the next level of evolution people. SEX is no longer PLEASURABLE to us... Therefore...
TOREADOR
(Looks to GIOVANNI. Very quietly.)
You can say THAT again...
GIOVANNI
Well if some people didn't just LAY there like the corpse they are...
BRUJAH
No longer PLEASURABLE?
(Shakes his head.)
Trust me...Yer doing it wrong dude...
MALKAV
Well... I guess I can eat all my edible undies. I like the cotton flavored ones the best.
VENTRUE
Look. Our lust is for the BLOOD. Not physical pleasures and desires.
BRUJAH
COME ON... I mean the blood is good... but when is the last time a set of double "D" medical packs turned your head?
MALKAV
Bobbit it. Cut if off. Recycle it. Make cocktail wieners.
RAVNOS
Speak for yourself gajo some of us fall into larger groupings.
MALKAV
Ohh Hung like a HORSE--
(RAVNOS smiles.)
MALKAV
-- Fly.
VENTRUE
It's not just the male persuasion of our little group Brujah. Many of the FEMALES engage in sexual activities at constant rates.
MALKAV
(Suddenly serious.)
THAT is disgusting! That is... vile. WRONG. I demand justice. Kindly give me the names and current addresses of these women and I will see that they get what I... what THEY deserve...
GANGREL
(Thumps MALKAV.)
Siddown nutjob. You've got as much chance of getting laid as pickle puss over there.
(Jerks her thumb to NOSFERATU.)
NOSFERATU
(Indignant.)
This coming from the bearded lady.
GANGREL
(Growls.)
Watch it scabbie.
NOSFERATU
I am no stranger to sex my dear wood dweller.
TZIMISCE
(Wrinkles her nose.)
Sex... no. Soap. Now that is a different story all together.
ASSAMITE
Not that I particularly care, seeing I have BETTER things to do with my time than engage in pointless activities... but does this mean that we shall no longer be capable of having sex?
MALKAV
It's fallen. And I can't get it UP!
TOREADOR
(Looks at GIOVANNI.)
Been there. Done that.
GIOVANNI
IT WAS COLD AND I WAS TIRED!!
(Room looks to GIOVANNI, who shrinks into his seat. Quietly.)
Sorry.
VENTRUE
(Sighs ignoring the outbursts.)
No, Assamite. It simply means that you derive no pleasure from it. You can will the blood... if you MUST... to keep up appearances and what not... But you have no DESIRE for sex.
BRUJAH
Yeah... especially after finding out that Nosferatu has it....
(Makes a face.)
There's a mental image I didn't want.
MALKAV
Bumping UGLY... Monkey sex. The Leprous Lombada of Love. A Spew Screw. Oral--
GANGREL
(Smacks him.)
Shut up! You are making us all sick you weird little freak.
TREMERE
So what is the point of seduction...if you are not going to have sex?
VENTRUE
The seduction is so you may obtain their blood, without them drawing suspicious. THAT is why our bite is so pleasurable to them. It surpasses sex.
(Muffled grumbling.)
VENTRUE
Well? Final thoughts? Comments?
BRUJAH
You sure you are not doing this because you can't get laid and are pissed at those of us who can?
GANGREL
Well I can throw out my date book.
NOSFERATU
Please do, I'm sure Wild Kingdom would love to find it.
TOREADOR
(Smirks.)
There are exceptions to every rule.
TZIMISCE
(Shares the smile.)
Exactly.
MALKAV
What about the ol' yank and spank? Is that out? Ya know... the ol' bap and slap? I mean I was REALLY good at that.
RAVNOS
Rules were meant to be broken.
VENTRUE
Meeting Adjourned. And remember. We are not interested in sex. The blood is our sex.
MALKAV
(Very quietly.)
Believe that and you are crazier than I am.
VENTRUE
What did you say?
MALKAV
Nothing. Just commenting on the weather.
(Smiles bright.)
-
I think we are sharing a source of humour. How many of these have you got? I have six, after rejecting several as being not funny.
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I dont know where to find em but god they are good do add more if they are as funny as these ones.
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Clan Politics
<Ventrue> Thank you all for attending, and I apologize for not calling a meeting sooner, as it has been awhile since last we spoke.
<Brujah> Yeah, notice how we're all misty eyed over that? Tears falling like rain. Why'd ya call us?
<Malk> RED RAIN....RED RAIN...RED RAIN...
<Brujah> It's red RUM you kook. Now shut up so we can get this over with, I got things to do, people to see...
<Tremere> Books not to read....
<Ventrue> ::clears throat:: Ahem. As I was saying. Thank you for coming. I have gathered you today to discuss clan politics, and how
we are all aligned.
<Toreador> ::looks at Malkav:: <whispers> Or Misaligned.
<Ventrue> Um..yes. There is that. At any rate, I have, for simplicity, broken down our clans into 3 political sects, each acting as like
minded nesting ground for individual clan interactions.
<Gangrel> ::growls and stands:: What did you just call me?
<Nos> ::pats her hand:: Sit dear, he didn't call you anything. He's putting us on "teams". Like in football.
<Malk> Football?? OHH!! I wanna be on the Yankees! Do I get a hockey stick?
<Brujah> Yeah. Lets give spazoid here a big stick. There's a good idea. Why not just give him a chainsaw and some grenades?
<Malk> ::incredulous:: I get GRENADES? ::eyes fill with crimson:: You guys love me. You really...love me.
<Brujah> Just shut up, before I explode. ::mumbles:: Weird little....
<Ventrue> ::clears throat:: IF I may continue.
<Silence>
<Ventrue> Thank you. As I was saying. The sects shall be named in the following; Camarilla. Those foll-
<Ravnos> Caramello? Isn't that a candy bar?
<Giovanni> No, It's that book of sexual positions.
<Toreador> That's the Kama Sutra. And maybe you should READ it sometime.
<Giovanni> ::sighs deeply:: THIS again? I told you, I threw out my back!
<Nos> ::quietly:: Digging into those graves is tasking labor..
<Giovanni> WHAT Did you say?
<Nos> Shh. Nothing. Our secret.
<Ventrue> ::Sighs:: NOT Caramello. NOT Kama Sutra. ::looks at Malkav:: And before you say it, NOT Karma Karma Karma
Chameleon.
<Malk> ::stops in mid dance, his mouth drops open. Slowly he just sits::
<Ventrue> ::smiles at Malk knowingly:: As I was saying. The Camarilla. This will be a group of clans that follow our masquerade to the
letter, obey the prince, and try to stay unnoticed by mortal society.
<Brujah> A buncha kiss asses.
<Ventrue> Sorry you feel that way Brujah, as being you are part of that group.
<Brujah> WHAT?? Oh COME ON. You honestly expect US to dancey-prancey around. The mortals? You can't be serious.
<Ventrue> Dead serious. The Camarilla shall be composed corely of myself, Toreador, Malkav, Nosferatu, you Brujah, Tremere, and
Gangrel.
<Gangrel> And NOT Gangrel. I'm not following YOU anywhere suitboy.
<Malk> ::whispers to Ventrue:: She's still upset about the baboon butt she got the last time she got mad. I've seen it. Red, blue, little white
stripes. It looks like she pooped out the American Fl--URNK!..
<Gangrel> ::rubs her fist after knocking out Malkav:: Ow. Baboon butt that you little freak.
<Brujah> Go for the face next time. His head is too hard, you'll end up breaking a knuckle. Trust me, I'm an expert on this one.
<Ventrue> ::sighs and shuffles the paperwork:: Very well Gangrel. You shall be the first name in the next series of clans. The
Independents.
<Gangrel> ::growls:: I'm listening.
<Ventrue> The Independent clans shall call no alliances. They are kindred who have decided to, for whatever the reason, blaze their own
trail. When in Camarilla controlled cities however, they will obey set laws and rules, or else be dealt with accordingly.
<Brujah> See? That's perfect for me. Anarchy all the way....hey. Anarchs. Anarchy. Oh..I like that idea. I could go out west and I ....
<Ventrue> What idea?
<Brujah> Ahhh nothing. Continue.
<Ventrue> ::suspicious glance at Brujah:: The Independent clans shall be as follows. Gangrel, Ravnos, Assamite, The Followers of Set
and Giovanni.
<Set> I would rattthhher be on your ssside, ssseeing asss we only work for tthhe good of all kindred.
<Malk> Sthufferin Sthuckatash Slyessther!
<Ventrue> Your actions dictate the need for expressed freedoms, Set. I'm sorry.
<Giovanni> I don't see why you must be so rigid with this. We should be allowed to choose our alliance.
<Toreador> ::scoffs:: What would YOU know about rigid?
<Silence>
<Ventrue> Um. Yes. And lastly. We have the Sabbat.
<Malk> HEYYYYYYY ABBBBBBOOOTTTTTTT! urnk.
<Gangrel> ::rubbing her fist:: The face. Thanks for the tip Bruj.
<Brujah> ::grins:: Anytime. ::winks::Personally I like a chick with horns.
<Ventrue> The Sabbat will be the scourge of kindred communities. They will care nothing of the laws or traditions, doing as they wish
when they wish. They shall travel in closely knit packs like wolves, preying wherever they care.
<Tremere> Who is left to head such a heinous sect? Only two clans remain, and they are..
<Ventrue> Lasombra and Tzimice. Both clans chosen for their...affinity with darkness if you will. Literally and not.
<Lasombra> I get to be the bad guy? Hmmm. I may grow to like this.
<Tzim> Grow? I could assist with that. A stretch here..a nip there ..a tuck there. Look what I did for Toreador.
<Giovanni> ::Stands:: AHA!!! ::pointing at Toreador:: I KNEW there was NO way those were REAL!!
<Toreador> ::sobs and goes running from the room, hands covering her face::
<Gangrel> TWO Clans against the your five? Yeah that's really fair jackass.
<Malk> Jack Ass? Talk about liking it kinky! When she's an animal in bed she's REALLY a ::cowers:: Noo!! Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
<Ventrue> The Sabbat shall have the ability..to corrupt from all clans. And every clan shall have it's anti-tribe.
<Malk> Anti-tribe? A bacterial soap?
<Ventrue> A mirror image of it's set sect, allowing it the freedom to become either Sabbat OR Camarilla.
<Malk> Ahh. I see. A free spirit among the clans may choose to divert from the set course, and delve into either the darkness or light if
you will, thus choosing his own alignment, and not the social stereotypes set upon him by clan title.
<Crickets>
<Ventrue> Why..yes. Th-that..is exactly right. ::shakes his head:: Any further questions? Yes, Malkav? and may I add, I could come to
enjoy your new lucidity.
<Malk> Do you have any duct tape? See you have to wrap the gerbil in duct tape so it doesn't explode when you f-- ::Is silenced by
Ventrue's hand covering his mouth::
<Tzimisce> The other shoe ALWAYS drops.
<Ventrue> ::sighs:: Children. I'm surrounded by children. Meeting adjourned.
-
Antidiluvian school reports
Assamite - does not play well with others.
Baali - rarely seen, but has a bad attitude towards teachers and students alike.
Brujah - plays very well with others... others' toys, others' money, others' friends, others'..... still have to figure out how he got that gun.
Caitiff - sadly lacking self-esteem and easily bullied by the others.
Daughter of cacophany - song time a+ exemplary student. prone to wild screaming tantrums.
Gangrel - always playing outdoors. in fact, it's darn hard to get her back inside after playtime.
Giovanni - keeps asking "when do we get to dissect frogs?". I've tried to explain that she has to finish 8 more years before that and she just sulked.
Lasombra - strangest kid i've ever seen.... he's already got a five o'clock shadow.....was not here on school photo day despite protestations otherwise.
Malkav - nice quiet child and yet all the other children don't seem to like him. they think he's plotting against them all. i'd be prone not to believe it but i've seen some of the notes he's been passing... in sumerian.
Nosferatu - strange child that has unfortunate disability, yet always ready to help the teacher with information on who's been doing what.
Ravnos - i'm not sure of this one..... keeps being in two places at once and never seems to run out of lunch money, especially when the others have had theirs go missing.
Toreador - top of the class in finger painting.(best you can say about her really)
Tzimisce - has since developed an attitude problem and started picking on the others and hanging out with young lasombra.
Tremere - caring thoughtful child... always the first one there to help when one of the others is injured in any way.
Salubri - one of the first children tremere helped.... has been absent from class ever since.
Setite - the lisp is a bit disconcerting, as well as the eyes, and seems more interested in distracting the others with his "goodiesssssss" then doing any actual work.
Samedi - truly revolting child. if he doesn't stop blowing milk bubbles out of his nose.....
Ventrue - model student. always a pleasure to have in the class room and well-spoken. however...(teacher suddenly forgets what it was she was about to write)
-
You know I really have to say I love the whole Toreador Giovanni fight and Malkav rocks LMAO
-
Poor bastard is pretty much one big bruise....
-
Antediluvians: A Study in what happens when they start fighting?
TREMERE
"Awright, Haqim! I have HAD it with you! You're gonna die!"
HAQIM
"Says you. Phbbbt!"
TREMERE
"Oh, yeah? Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames! I blow up Asia!"
HAQIM
"Celerity 10. I dodge. I'm now standing in the middle of the ocean."
TREMERE
"Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I boil the oceans."
HAQIM
"Obfuscate 10. What ocean?"
TREMERE
"Thaumaturgy 10, Movement of the Mind. I hit the remaining oceanwith the moon."
LASOMBRA
"Tag in! Obtenebration 9. What moon?"
TREMERE
"Auspex 10. *That* moon."
LASOMBRA
"Tag out!"
HAQIM
"Oh crap. Umm... Quietus 10."
TREMERE
"Here comes the big ball of rock, baby!"
[HAQIM is squished]
BRUJAH
"Didn't Haqim just activate Quietus 10?"
NOSFERATU
"And it was a surprisingly quiet squishing. Stupid discipline."
TREMERE
"Lasombra..."
LASOMBRA
"Tag, um, Tzimisce!"
TZIMISCE
"Vicissitude 10. Try that moon trick now, spellboy."
TREMERE
"Tag Ventrue!"
VENTRUE
"Dominate 10. Who's your daddy?"
TZIMISCE
"You're my daddy."
LASOMBRA
"Tag in! Potence 10. Feel the pain!"
VENTRUE
"Fortitude 10! What pain?"
LASOMBRA
"Obtenebration 10! I hope you like small, dark, places."
VENTRUE
"Fuck."
[VENTRUE vanishes]
LASOMBRA
"I have ALWAYS wanted to do that."
TZIMISCE
"Vicissitude 10. Lasombra, you're now a small ball of cheese."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE
"WHY?"
TZIMISCE
"Ventrue still calls the shots. Read Dominate 10."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE
"Damn, he's right."
TZIMISCE
"Animalism 10. Horde of cheese-eating mice."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE
"Obtenebration 10. I am a shadow of a small ball of cheese."
TZIMISCE
"Tag Tremere!"
TREMERE
"Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. Shadow of fondue, you mean."
SMALL BALL OF CHEESE
*fwoosh*
NOSFERATU
"Animalism 10. They're MY horde of mice."
TZIMISCE
"Animalism 10. Mine."
NOSFERATU
"Mine!"
TZIMISCE
"Gimme!"
BRUJAH
"Celerity 10 AND Potence 10. I crush Tzimisce and Nosferatu while they're still arguing about the mice."
NOSFERATU
"Urk."
[dies]
TZIMISCE
"Urk."
[reforms]
"Love that Vicissitude 10."
BRUJAH
"Oh, dearie."
TZIMISCE
"Now the mice are MINE!"
[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears from nowhere]
MASKED AVENGER #1
"All of you shall die for consorting with our enemies! Or, in some cases, actually being our enemies."
ENNOIA
"Who the heck are *you*?"
MASKED AVENGER #1
"Oh, sorry. I'm early."
[MASKED AVENGER #1 vanishes]
TZIMISCE
"Not even the first Masked Avenger, whoever he was, can stop me!"
ARIKEL
"Auspex 10. What *can* stop someone with Vicissitude 10? Oh, diablerie."
TREMERE
"Thaumaturgy something or other. I weaken Arikel a generation."
ARIKEL
"You just made that up!"
TREMERE
"Trust me, you'll like it."
BRUJAH
"Potence 10. I expend a barrage of fisticuffs upon Tzimisce."
TZIMISCE
"Vicissitude 10. I can ignore them."
ENNOIA
"Animalism 10. My mice."
TZIMISCE
"Mine!"
TREMERE
"Quick, Arikel! Diablerize Tzimisce while he's distracted!"
AUGUSTUS
"Necromancy 10, Bone Path! The dead have risen- and they're voting Republican!"
TREMERE
"Don't you guys *ever* stop worrying about temporal power?"
AUGUSTUS
"Umm. No."
MALKAV
"Dementation 10! Everyone goes absolutely crazy!"
[there is a pause]
[the pause lengthens]
BRUJAH
"You feel any different, Ennoia?"
ENNOIA
"Nope. You?"
BRUJAH
"Nope. Tremere?"
TREMERE
"Nope."
AUGUSTUS
"Me neither."
BRUJAH
"Nobody asked you."
MALKAV
"Well, THAT was a non-starter."
TZIMISCE
"Well, I *gurgle*..."
ARIKEL
(dropping diablerized corpse of Tzimisce)
"*I* sure feel different!"
ENNOIA
"Well, that settles it. My mice."
ARIKEL
"I now have Animalism 10. Mine!"
MALKAV
"CATFIGHT!"
BRUJAH
"Mousefight, actually."
AUGUSTUS
"How droll."
TREMERE
"Thaumaturgy 10, Hands of Destruction. I kill the freakin' mice, already."
ARIKEL
"Waaahhh!"
AUGUSTUS
"Zombie mice!"
ENNOIA
"Bastards."
[MASKED AVENGERS #1, #2, and #3 appear]
MASKED AVENGER #2
"Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers!"
MASKED AVENGER #3
"Especially you, Tremere!"
MASKED AVENGER #2
"No, especially *you*, Augustus!"
MASKED AVENGER #3
"Tremere!"
MASKED AVENGER #2
"Augustus!"
ENNOIA
"Who *are* you guys, anyway?"
MASKED AVENGER #3
"It's a secret. That's why we're wearing masks."
BRUJAH
"Speaking of which, why does your mask have three eyeholes?"
MASKED AVENGER #3
"To be distinctive."
BRUJAH
"Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of wearing a mask?"
MASKED AVENGER #1
"You always were a smartass."
BRUJAH
"Potence 10. I punch the first Masked Avenger."
MASKED AVENGER #1
"Ow."
[dies]
MASKED AVENGER #2
"We other Masked Avengers are not so easily thwarted! We shall have our revenge! Especially on you, Augustus!"
MASKED AVENGER #3
"Tremere!"
MASKED AVENGER #2
"Augustus!"
AUGUSTUS
"Can we get rid of these guys?"
TREMERE
"Sure you take care of the guy with the three eyeholes in his mask, and I'll take the guy who says he's my archenemy."
MASKED AVENGER #3
"I, with the three eyes, am your archenemy, Tremere."
TREMERE
"Whatever."
AUGUSTUS
"Potence 10. I crush the guy with the three eyes."
MASKED AVENGER #3
"Fortitude 10. I soak."
TREMERE
"Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I obliterate Masked Avenger #2."
MASKED AVENGER #2
"Fortitude 10. I soak."
BRUJAH
"Like the guest that won't leave, aren't they?"
AUGUSTUS
"I can handle this. Necromancy 10, Ash Path. I summon the spirits of those who have died tragically."
SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY
"We are here."
AUGUSTUS
"Explain your tragedies to the Masked Avengers."
[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so]
MASKED AVENGER #3
"Oh, the Angst! I cannot *bear* it!"
[MASKED AVENGER #3 commits suicide]
MASKED AVENGER #2
"How fascinating. I wish to learn more."
AUGUSTUS
"Spirits of those who have died tragically, return to the Shadowlands."
[The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so]
MASKED AVENGER #2
"I must follow them to learn more."
[MASKED AVENGER #2 commits suicide]
ARIKEL
"Well, *that* took forever. But now it's done. Now what?"
TREMERE
"Auspex 10 and Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I incinerate Set in that corner he's been hiding."
[SET turns to ashes]
AUGUSTUS
"Letting everyone else do the fighting and taking out the winners? I am shocked, SHOCKED."
BRUJAH
"Shocked that you didn't think of it first."
AUGUSTUS
"And I *deeply* deplore that."
[MASKED AVENGER #1 appears]
MASKED AVENGER #1
"Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avenger!"
BRUJAH
"You ever have the feeling of deja vu?"
MASKED AVENGER #1
"Constantly."
ENNOIA
"Enough of this. Protean 10. Welcome to the sun, boys!"
TREMERE
"Hah! Thaumaturgy 10, Invulnerable Weakness!"
[MASKED AVENGER #1 goes *fwoosh*]
[BRUJAH goes *fwoosh*]
[MALKAV goes *fwoosh*]
[ARIKEL goes *fwoosh*]
AUGUSTUS
"Hah! You've played perfectly into my master plan! No, wait."
[AUGUSTUS goes *fwoosh*]
TREMERE
"Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I extinguish Ennoia."
[ENNOIA goes *fwoosh*]
TREMERE
"Woo hoo, I won!"
RAVNOS
"Forgot me."
TREMERE
"You? Where the heck have you been?"
RAVNOS
"Keeping a low profile."
TREMERE
"And you didn't burn up in the sun?"
RAVNOS
"Fortitude 10, baby. And I'll thank you not to kill off my mice."
TREMERE
"PREPARE TO DIE!"
RAVNOS
"Not so fast! Chimeristry 10!"
TREMERE
"Chimeristry 10? You mean..."
RAVNOS
"Yup. ''Reality.'' I'll turn us all into a roleplaying game."
TREMERE
"You wouldn't!"
RAVNOS
"I just did."
TREMERE
"NOOOOOOOO!!!"
[RAVNOS, TREMERE, and the corpses of the other antediluvians are replaced by a series of hardback and paperback game supplements]
THE END
-
The Vampiric Disciplines
VENTRUE
"Thank you all for attending. I again call the council to discuss yet ANOTHER problem we are having with our... youth."
TOREADOR
You have our undivided attentions, as usual. Please, go on.
(RAVNOS makes wet ass-kissing sounds and a roll of gypsy eyes.
MALKAV grabs him by the cheeks and kisses him fully on the mouth.)
RAVNOS
GAH!!! (Spits and runs after MALKAV who takes off sprinting.) I will kill you, dilo bastard!
VENTRUE
ENOUGH!! (Stands.) Ravnos, PLEASE be seated. Malkav. (Points.) Over there... Next to Brujah.
(BRUJAH smiles and pats the seat next to him causing MALKAV to eep.)
VENTRUE
As I was stating before the OUTBURST... (Dirty look to MALKAV.) We have yet another problem. The children know we have our flaws to separate us, but they want to know our strengths as well. So... I have taken the liberty to...
GANGREL
(Growls.) You hook me up like you did with the flaws and you are gonna take your liberties to the hospital little man.
VENTRUE
(Coughs and nods.) Of... course... Gangrel... Shall we start with you?
(GANGREL folds her arms and gives the stare that all men, dead or alive, fear from women.)
VENTRUE
Ahem... ahh yes... (Rustles papers.) Gangrel... I to you... Grant the abilities of your animal nature. Growing claws at will, changing into animal form at will... Even becoming the mists of night themselves. (Swallows.) Acceptable?
GANGREL
It's a start. I still owe you for the pig's tail...
VENTRUE
Moving right along... Malkav... I grant you... the power of Dominate, you may control the minds of your--
BRUJAH
ARE YOU OFF YOUR GOD DAMNED ROCKER? Giving HIM the ability to control OTHERS?? We'll all end up as demented as he is!
VENTRUE
Dementia? Instilling insanity in others?
MALKAV
Deal. Done. Thank you, drive thru.
(BRUJAH cringes and shakes his head.)
VENTRUE
I'm... not... sure what just... happened... Malk? I was?
MALKAV
Moving on to Toreador.
VENTRUE
(Shakes his head and nods.) Yes... um... Toreador. Because of your beauty, and apprication of... your perfect social skills, and untouchable elegance, I give you the ability to influence the feelings of others. Inspiring Awe, Fear, Love or Respect in all you wish.
TOREADOR
Wise, just, and kind. Thank you.
BRUJAH
(Makes kissy noises and quickly looks to MALKAV.) You even THINK it and yer pulp Kook.
VENTRUE
Assamite. Due to your... ahem... activities... I chose silence for you. You manipulate sounds, causing the death cries of your victims to be lost with their lives.
ASSAMITE
(Smiles and nods.) Such things are in the blood...
VENTRUE
Brujah... my violent friend. To further... your personality... I give to you unparalleled strength... and speed. May your wrath be as swift and stinging as your temper.
BRUJAH
(Grins at ASSAMITE.) Awww. I wanted to be really quiet!! (Mock sighs.) Guess I have to suffer with strength and speed. (Laughs.)
ASSAMITE
Then suffer in silence.
(BRUJAH's laughter stops as his sounds are abruptly cut off.)
VENTRUE
Um... (Whispers to ASSAMITE.) Should have gave you that a long time ago Assamite. (To all.) Moving on. Tzim... I give to you...
MALKAV
A NEW CLAN NAME!!! Something we can say without sounding like we are sneezing through a mouth full of -- (Goes silent.)
VENTRUE
Thank you Assamite. Ahem. Tzim, you shall have the ability to sculpt and mold flesh and bone, as artists mold clay or shape stone.
TZIMISCE
(Dirty look to MALKAV.) Come here my silent little friend...
(MALKAV lets out a silent shriek as he holds up two fingers in the sign of the cross.)
VENTRUE
Ahem... Nosferatu. I grant you the ability to...
MALKAV
Leap tall buildings in a SINGLE BOUND!
VENTRUE
(Surprised.) I thought you were silenced?
BRUJAH
(Shaking out a sore hand.) Well he has to be CONSCIOUS to do that now doesn't he? (Kicks ASSAMITE before sitting.) Strength and speed. I love it.
VENTRUE
Nos, I grant you the power to be unseen. You may come and go and no one will acknowledge your presence.
BRUJAH
(Laughs.) Oh yeah... Like he gets ALL the acknowledgement in the world right now... A real chick magnet.
NOSFERATU
Accepted, thank you, Ventrue. (To BRUJAH.) Why on earth would I want to attract other women?.
BRUJAH
(Pales.) You... are... a... Oh god... I'm gonna be sick...
GIOVANNI
(Scootches closer to NOSFERATU.) Sooo... what are you doing aft--
VENTRUE
Giovanni. You are given, power over the dead. The truly dead. All that fester and rot are in your domain.
BRUJAH
Ugh... so you DO have a chance with Nos. (Looks at VENTRUE.) Man... can you imagine if... (Leans in, whispering to VENTRUE, who pales, then looks ill.)
VENTRUE
Thank you for that lovely image Brujah. I will be sure to send you my therapy bill. Ravnos...
Ravnos
(Looks startled then sheepish.) Sorry... (Hands VENTRUE his wallet.)
VENTRUE
No... I... (Shakes his head and snatches the wallet back.) I know I am going to regret this... but I give you the power of trickery. Your illusions, jokes, and general mischief shall fool not only the eyes, but all senses.
MALKAV
Yeah. I'M the crazy one... (Looks at the stirring ASSAMITE and punches him in the jaw.) I'm gunna knock you out! Mama said knock you out. I'm gunna take this iddy biddy world by storm and I'm just... urnk..
BRUJAH
(Shakes off his fist.) Strength. And Speed. GOTTA love it.
VENTRUE
Lasombra. Yes... you over in the poorly lit corner. Your ability shall be mastery of the shadows and the dark. With it... (Blinks.) Where did he go?
VOICE OF LASOMBRA
Accepted. Gladly.
MALKAV
(Groggily and weakly.) Carolanne... stay away from the light... (Thunks back to the table.)
VENTRUE
Um... yes. Tremere. Given your studies... you are given the ability to create magic. Casting cantrips and using your powers as you see fit.)
TREMERE
But I already have---
VENTRUE
And last but not least, myself.
BRUJAH
(Warily.) Best for last? What do you get?
VENTRUE
I get the mastery of mind control. With it I shall lead us, holding both meetings, and the majority of offices. Any one who objects, please try to raise your hands
(Everyone struggles to lift stubborn limbs that refuse to obey.)
VENTRUE
Very nice. Meeting... adjourned.
-
What do you say? The vampire origin next?
-
:laughing4: Sounds good :icon_thumleft:
-
They forgot followers of Set
-
A little (OK not so little... who knew posts had a 20,000 character limit) interlude until the next Vamp post ( Its both a little embarrassing and a point of pride how many of these apply to me)
Gives a scathing glare at Hurricanus, Icefire, Lady Ice, LadyJ and Maxx... Yeah like they don't apply to you too...
YOU MIGHT BE A GAMER IF...
...loosing your dice bag would be a serious financial blow.
...you could paper you bathroom in character sheets.
...you could paper your bathroom in different versions of just ONE character.
...you are unable to walk past the latest D&D supplement without leafing through it, even though you know it's going to be bad.
...you have more entertaining "No-shit,-there-I-was-in-a-game" stories than you do anecdotes about your family.
...you talk about your characters as if they are real people.
...you alternate between referring to your characters in the first and the third person.
... and none of your friends gets confused.
...you've ever spent a significant fraction of your life modifying game rules that you didn't like... and, as soon as the system worked to your satisfaction, discarded it.
...when someone says "The blue books," you don't automatically picture the kind that they give you during a college final exam.
...you worship idols of Gary Gygax in your basement.
...you burn Gary Gygax in effigy in your back yard.
...you will not buy comic books with the Dragon Strike (tm) logo on the back.
...you've ever seen the old AD&D tv series.
...you're still reading this list.
...you hang out with people you actively dislike because they give good role- play.
...you've ever gotten into a screaming match over something that happened in a game... (You are so dead! I am not dead!)
...you have more than one photocopied bootleg of a gaming text.
...you keep old characters around just in case someone might run that system again. (Never mind that its TS: SI)
...You knew what I meant when I said TS:SI.
...you have a PhD in manipulating point systems to the best effect, even though you failed high school geometry.
..you can consume your body weight in junk food in one gaming session.
...you consider Red Rave, Salt-&-Vinegar chips, and Twinkies are a balanced diet. (or even an acceptable combination.)
...you own your own weight in gaming books.
...the owners of local hobby stores take your checks without ID because they know where you live.
...you can do AD&D money conversions in your head.
...you consider the demise of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" a blow to great literature.
...you consider the resurrection of "What's New With Phis & Dixie" the redeeming feature of Magic: The Gathering.
...you consider the 20th century a state of mind.
...you've ever designed your own character sheets.
...you can be more that three NPCs at the same time without generating more than reasonable confusion in your players.
...you have ever played a Dwarven character who did not have "axe" or "beard" ANYWHERE in his or her name.
...you know how to sex dwarves. (chromosome typing- required a blood sample. I'M not getting it...)
...you've ever tried to explain gaming to a school counselor, parent, or other PW/OC (Person With/Out Clue).
...you've suceeded.
...you've played Talisman more than once.
...you've finished a game of Talisman.
...more than once.
...you're STILL reading this list.
...you can quote extensively from the Wandering Damage Tables.
...you've mistaken a d12 or a double d10 for a d20 while playing AD&D and had a THAC0 low enough to hit the 8HD monster, anyway...
...you understood that.
...you carry AD&D insurance.
...your AC is so low that even you can't hit yourself.
...an 87 point Balrog is no big thrill anymore.
... you bring your dicebag even to diceless roleplaying events.
...you've ever discovered, after gaming with your significant other, that you like their character better than you do them.
...you have friends or acquaintances who regularly refer to you as "Og." (Or something similar.)
...you've ceased responding to your birth name.
...you spend more money on dice than on food.
...your first response to any frustrating situation is, "I bash it with my axe."
...you know a lot of gaming jokes that used to be funny once.
...your friend(s) who does not game feels very left out of all of your conversations.
...you have more gaming books than the local hobby store.
...you've discovered that spare dice make good beanbag filler.
...you knew that that last question was a ringer: who has more dice than they can use?
... you have a copy of "Dark Dungeons" kicking around somewhere because a: you thought it was funny ... your parents got concerned that you were living in a fantasy realm.
...you're sortof dissapointed that you haven't reached the level where they start teaching you the real spells (as described in the above "Dark Dungeons" pamphlet) yet: You're sure you must be a high enough level.
...you've been gaming for more than half of your life.
...you still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in the corner wants another beer."
...the phrase "Collect Call of Cthulhu" brings back fond memories.
...you can quote the whole "Trolls! Mutants! Trolls! Mutants!" strip from "what's New With Phil & Dixie."
...you tend to play characters as different from you in race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and what have you as possible, just to confuse your friends.
...you've been known to have in-depth conversations about the relative merits of Champions, V&V, Marvel, and DC heroes... ignoring the fact that all superhero systems are intrinsically sucky.
...you like one of the above systems enough that you yelped when I called them all, "sucky."
...you've thought of four or five additions to this list.
...you actually bought TSR's "Dungeoneer's Survival Guide" when it first came out.
...you've ever tried to discover the strengths and weaknesses of a haemophiliac werewolf.
...someone is attempting to explain the floorplan of a building to you and you immediately start thinking in terms of 10X10 squares.
...or 6'x6' hexes.
...your first though upon walking into a friend's domicile is to reflect on where you'd put the machine-gun nest.
... Everything you see, hear, or taste translates into some form of stats for a game. ("Wow! That move was cool...that means he's got Swing S
On the same note:
..you and your friends have spent a screening of "The Crow" assigning vampire clans to the various characters.
..you actually wear that little ankh that comes in the Vampire Live-Action box...in everyday life.
..you've ever gotten wierd looks from other customers at places like Denny's or IHOP (or Donut Diner) because of the nature of your conversations.
..a friend of yours screws something up and you respond with, "looks like you failed your _________ roll."
..you've actually paid to have custom fangs made.
..you wear these fangs in everyday life (not to mention Renaissance festivals).
..you've ever argued against a combat rule based on your experience in the SCA/Military/Police, etc.
..you have a dozen things in mind for when you come across a magic lamp.
- when you talk about the "good old days" you mean when games cost $12 and came with their own dice.
- If you played a different game every night, you'd need a fifty-day week to use your RPG collection to its full extent.
- The six-siders in your dice bag have been worn down to the point that they look like 20-siders.
- your car and/or home is falling apart, you're wearing the same clothes you wore in the 1980's, and you miss meals regularly, but you've got the money in the bank for the next year's worth of 's products.
- If your computer broke down, your biggest worry is how you'd print out your character sheets.
- you can cite the differences between "official" Star Trek, and FASA Star Trek, and Star Fleet Battles.
- you could write a biography of your character easier than you could write your own autobiography.
- you think that such a biography WOULD BE an autobiography.
- you can't find your favorite shirt, but you know where all the dice that came with your first D&D set are.
- you remember when games gave you tips on "inking" dice with crayon.
- you can give no fewer than six different speeches on "what is roleplaying?", verbatim, from the introductions to different games.
- you've bought a game even though you didn't like the genre or the rules, so that you could fix the rules and convert them to a different genre.
- you've looked into how much it would cost to build a castle
- there is virtually no game that you can't name the genre, company, or country of origin for (Hunter Planet, anyone?).
- you remember when all games referred to characters as "he".
* Your idea of a fun Friday night consists of getting the gang together and playing for eight or more hours.
* The only reason you want a lake cabin is so you and the gang can go up there and play non-stop all weekend without any distractions.
* You finally get to the point where you look at everything on the shelves and say "*I* can do a better job than these bozos!"
* Everything you see, hear, or taste translates into some form of stats for a game. ("Wow! That move was cool...that means he's got Swing Sword +20 and Look Cool In Armor +15.")
* You branch out from RPGs into the stuff that game was derived from so you make better sense of the bloody thing. (Gamers-turned-Otaku, Gamers-turned-occultists, Gamers-turned-goths, Gamers-turned-military personel, Gamers-turned-martial artists, etc.)
* ...and you *still* don't stop playing! (Loyal man! I like you!)
* You've written character histories that are longer than most novels...
* ...For Paranoia Characters.
* You Watch war documentaries with GURPS Vehicles so you can tell how much damage the 4-inch Naval Gun using an APX shell does.
* You spend five hours converting Modern Aircraft, when you run a fantasy campaign.
* You break your leg, but insist on using a 'Recovery Test' before calling the ambulance.
* You have a list of what all the potions taste like.
* Your resume describes you as a '5th-Level Civil Engineer' .
* You've figured out that the Average AD&D Great Wyrm Red Dragon has 7 cubic feet of treasure.
* You Demand Experience points after winning a fistfight.
* You have a nickname that makes no sense because one of your characters had it.
* You Buy Dragon Magazine "For the Articles."
* You Worship TSR.
* You Detest T$R.
* You've ever constructed yourself as a character.
* You know how to use dice as weapons.
* You use phrases like 'Save vs. Graduation or go insane for 1d4 days.'
* You know how many hit points every member of your family has.
* You know that you can fit 20 d4's together to make a large d20 because you've actually tried it.
* You are not cleared for this information.
>- you own Dragon magazines below number 100
--Your subscription copy of Dragon shows up in the mail one month, and you realize it's the hundredth consecutive issue you've bought.
--You own consecutive issues farther back than that.
--You've read every issue from 55 on up.
--You're still looking for the rest.
--You've almost hit this point with Polyhedron.
--You remember when White Dwarf was an AD&D magazine.
--You bought a copy of the French-language edition of Dragon, even though you can't read French, because it had Second Edition rules for the Anti-Paladin class, and even though you don't like the class, you know that having that issue will really annoy the Anti-Paladin fans in your gaming club.
..You remember GenCon in tents.
* When you finally settle down with a loved one and build a home, you insist on designing a Gaming Room into the house
* And getting the stamped concrete patio/pergola/driveway done in hexagons
* You own "Intoduction to Traveller"
* Or the Traveller Supplement "Forms and Charts"
* You know which number Supplement that last one was
* You don't just have maps of places that don't exist - you've had at least one of them made into a Globe
* You collect building plans (viewed from above) to use as Site Maps for games
* You have examples of weapons from your games in the house - "so the players can't argue about how heavy/long/clumsy/etc they are..."
* While you have a number of friends, only Gamers reach the status of Mates
* You buy CDs of specific music (or sounds) just to use as background atmosphere for gaming
* You've ever found yourself associating with people who you'd otherwise avoid in public - because they were Gamers
* You have a place where the paraphernalia of your gaming youth is displayed for the curious as a sort of shrine to "the good old days"
* You have three or more dice-boxes (one in use, the others retired, holding seldom-used (or antique, faithful) dice, or doing duty on the Gaming Shrine [above])
* You can remember where at least three Gaming shops USED to be located in your town/city, before they moved, were demolished or disappeared
* You whoop with joy on rolling a 20 for hit location with a Gauss Rifle on your first hit on an opponent
* You know which game that must be in
* You know the TWO meanings of the term "AC20"
* You keep custom clipboards (or similar contrivances) in the house for your gaming pals to keep their character sheets on when they come over
* Your memories of the best times your character(s) had when living their game-lives are sweeter and more worth retelling than the best times you had in your actual youth (partially because you were too busy gaming - and writing rules expansions you hardly used - to get out and have a life)
* From your computer, where you are now, you can look around and see most or all of your gaming gear
* You own a pin-on badge that says "Incoming Fire Has The Right Of Way"
* You still have the original three-booklet set of Traveller
* AND the box it came in
* OR the booklet-form of D&D (before the hardbound version hit the streets)
* You feel that Gaming has played a part in your developing a personal philosophy
* Your life-philosophy manifests as you’re taking Gaming seriously while taking most of the rest of life light-heartedly - the complete opposite to the way most of society seems to work
* Your spouse/partner agrees with the rest of society and wishes you would take life as seriously as you do Gaming
* You have a feeling that God is a big Gamemaster, we're all just Characters, and Life, viewed from the outside, is a Game after all
- You get $30.00 in a surprise windfall, and don't drink it, but instead spend it on that supplement that you noted was at the local store.
- If you purposely stashed the supplement behind/near/out of its normal place so that nobody else buys it out from under you.
- You've moved the above back to your special hiding spot after store personnel re-shelve it.
- You've thought about designing a game, and actually wrote more than 20 or so pages.
- and self-published it!
- You find yourself teaching new players the ropes so often, you now have a down-pat speech, readily translatable to any game system for newcomers.
- When describing a game scenario with your pals, you get real excited, waving your arms, drawing a crowd. Phrases like, "Man, we %^&*$%^ wasted 'em! Took out the tank with an RPG, then L-T was rocking out on the '60..." everything goes fine, as the crowd draws near, wanting to hear more, until you say, "Then I took a round, BLAM! 45 H.P." And the crowd leaves, saying, "Oh, it was ONLY A GAME."
- You get mad, BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE, DAMMIT!
- You don't think anything is wrong with the previous statement.
- You use issues of Guns & Ammo for the tech specs on your latest weapon supplement you're adding to your game.
- You know the BattleTech Hit location charts from memory, so that you don't need to use 'em anymore.
- In fact, you know 'em so well, THE GROUP doesn't use 'em any more, THEY USE YOU.
- When someone asks you, "Level Three fall, what's the piloting skill mod?", you know what they mean.
- You, reading this, know what it means.
- You not only know what it means, but can yell out what page it is on.
- And you're correct!
- And you get mad when somebody checks up on you, to see if it was the right page!
- When you search the internet nightly for cool gaming software for your PC.
- You've learned more about space, and science fiction from playing traveller, rather than watching COSMOS by Carl Sagan, like everybody else.
- You know more than three definitions of the acronym RPG.
- You were around when the only games out were CHAINMAIL, METAMORPHOSIS ALPHA, GAMMA WORLD 1st ed., and TRAVELLER.
- and you bought 'em, cause they were "What the cool grown-up college kids were playing."
- And you still have 'em.
- IN THE ORIGINAL BOXES!
- You remained loyal thorough the right-wing religious anti-gaming crusade.
- You know what to say (delicately, without sloppy missionary fervor) when someone says, "Oh, you don't play that "Dungeoens & Dragons thing, DO YOU?!?!?!?!
- You'd rather game that visit your boy/girlfriend.
- ...That's how you met them.
- And then got married. (It didn't work for me. Your mileage may differ.)
- And got divorced, OVER GAMES! (Like me. She was fantasy, I was Sci Fi/Military.)
- You see a car crash, or accident on T.V., and scream, "Oooh, CRIT!"
- You've said, "Roll initiative" more times than you've sung your countries' national anthem.
- You tried gaming outside, for that "Natural, Woodland Atmosphere." Ahhh.
- Until you found out the hard way about the ^&#%^&* WIND, when it blew all of your maps/character sheets away.
- ...and you felt that they were so irreplaceable, you chased after them, tripped on a root, fell, and split open your knee.
- ... while your friends were yelling stuff like, "Cleric, bind wounds! Cure Light! Etc."
- and you thought it was so funny you peed all over yourself laughing.
- You're STILL reading this list!
-
For the longest time I knew one of my friends as Valley Elf, and when somebody asked how David was doing my comment was "Who!!"
I draw my bow in a non threatening manner
These dice can only be used for such and such a character, I can't roll till I find the right set
I am the GM and I am outlawing those dice, they're loaded
And you forgot the Mountain Dew for the immortality
OMG
I am such a gaming geek, though I know worse, but we won't name names......eh Pyro, Maxx, Hurricanus, original icefire, Lady J
LMAO
:laughing6: :laughing6: :laughing6: :laughing6:
:blob9: The ectoplasmic blob aka Rob
-
LMAO :blob9: How could I forget the great and mighty schmoo :notworthy:
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Mallard!
What?
Whack...
How many of you can explain that? Or what followed?
-
I just reread the list. I'm in the high 90% range....... :confused2:
you still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in the corner wants another beer."
I can even picture the comic...
You know the TWO meanings of the term "AC20"
Dale called me a 'fucking geek' when I explained what this meant.
Thanks for a huge laugh AND a walk down memory lane.
-
And, culled from my own experience...
... if you have a 100 page 81/2x11 note book dedicated to a single character's career... and it's full
... if you've compared the number of gaming systems you played and you're the 'rookie'... at 37 different systems
... when a mouse runs off with a d20, you're more upset that it stole the die than you are that you have mice
... you started out using Testors when you started painting miniatures and you haven't destroyed the evidence
... there are stories associated with all the dioramas you have
... those dioramas have survived more moves than some of your furniture
... you use loonies as miniature bases because they're cheaper than the real bases
... you have 'adjusted' a miniature using a magnifying glass and an exacto knife because it just wasn't quite right for the character
... you have miniatures older than your daughter
... you have unpainted miniatures older than your daughter
... you stop adding to this list because you realize you could easily match the length of the original if you wanted to
-
...Ummm... Dioramas in general, there, muffin...
-
I will accept the rebuke, only if you confess how many Barbie/Ken type dolls you have modified so that your characters (and one or two of mine, I will point out) have ACTION FIGURES, rather than miniatures.
And we won't even touch on the virtual dolls, will we?
-
Mallard!
What?
Whack...
How many of you can explain that? Or what followed?
I can, and what followed was a great deal of pain for Ares, followed by a great deal of pain for Ranger dude
The response is as follows to the ranger from a pissed off druid
Druid: Peking!!!!!
Ranger turns around and "What?"
Thwack, hehehe
Well it's another kinda duck
LOL
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I made an Omar, Donna, Jallyn, Smokey, and a Helen. Action figures are cool. As for the virtual dolls, they are considered art, not nerdyness. So nyah... :tongue5:
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I am proud to say I only scored 59 out of 100 questions unlike brian lmao
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The worst part is I can explain the joke for the ones that didn't apply.
-
VENTRUE: Okay, guys, sit down. I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here.
TOREADOR: I should think so. I have an engagement in two hours that I simply MUST attend, and I don't want to be late.
VENTRUE: Yeah, yeah. Order. Well, I don't know about you guys, but my Progeny have been asking some rather ...embarassing questions, and I--
MALKAV: Just tell them that when a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much--
VENTRUE: Shut up, Malkav. Anyway, they want to know where we come from, why, how, the whole bit. I think it's time we had an answer for them.
[silence]
BRUJAH: Well, what are you asking us for? WE don't fucking know.
SAULOT: LANGUAGE!
BRUJAH: Sorry.
VENTRUE: What about you, Ralph? You seem to have your nose in every- thing.
NOSFERATU: No, I am ... no longer called "Ralph." From this day forward, you shall call me: "Nosferatu."
[silence]
RAVNOS: I dunno, man. Ralph suits you.
NOSFERATU: No! I REFUSE to be stuck with that name.
VENTRUE: Leave him alone Ravnos.
TOREADOR: Actually, while we're on the subject ...
VENTRUE: What is it now?
TOREADOR: I have taken the pseudonym "Toreador."
[more silence]
HASSAM: You've never even SEEN a bull, let alone fight one, Norman.
TOREADOR: LEAVE ME ALONE !!!
RAVNOS: I was gonna say something about "full of ..." Oh, never mind.
VENTRUE: SHALL we get back to business?
LASOMBRA: I think "Nosferatu" sounds cool actually, Ralph.
NOSFERATU: And it's a lot easier to say when you can't retract your fangs.
VENTRUE: GENTLEMEN!
[silence]
VENTRUE: Okay, any ideas?
TZIMISCE: Uh ...
VENTRUE: Yes, Tzimisce?
TZIMISCE: Yas. Do you think it vaz a disease, perrrhaps?
SAULOT: Nnnnnnno ... I don't think so. I'd know about it by now if it was.
MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! I've got an idea!
VENTRUE: [groan] What?
MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! We're ALL ... aliens! Yeah! From the planet ... Yuggoth!
BRUJAH: Malkav?
MALKAV: Yeah?
BRUJAH: Drop dead.
[silence]
MALKAV: Ain't it just TOO BAD you don't have Dominate?
BRUJAH: REAL men don't NEED Dominate!
[thud]
MALKAV: Owww!
RAVNOS: Okay, I've got it.
VENTRUE: Yes?
RAVNOS: They're not REALLY vampires, they just THINK they are.
VENTRUE: Hmmm ... not bad ... but then the dumb ones will try to prove you wrong by taking a sunbake.
LASOMBRA: SO? Weeds out the stupid ones, less of a population problem, less nosy Progeny asking silly questions.
TOREADOR: Lasombra, you are perverted.
LASOMBRA: Hey, am I my brother's keeper?
TZIMISCE: He has a valid point, frrriend.
TOREADOR: Sickening creatures.
[sniggering]
SAULOT: Brother's keeper ... hey! That reminds me! You know those guys who wear the funny tea towels on their heads--
HASSAM: WATCH it, three-eyes.
SAULOT: Sorry. Anyway, they have this old story about this one guy who kills his brother and gets cursed, see ...
SUTEKH: Cursssed, you sssay? Hmmm ... I like it!
NOSFERATU: Yeah, but if YOU say it, no-one will believe it.
TREMERE: I know! We did it by magick!
[silence]
BRUJAH: Who the hell are you?
TREMERE: Oh. Tremere, Arrogant Scheming Mage at your service!
SAULOT: Hang on, you're not supposed to be here until A.D. 1314!
TREMERE: So? I'm an Oracle of Time. I'll be when I want.
VENTRUE: A mortal, eh? Hey, Tremere!
TREMERE: Yeah?
VENTRUE: GET OUT.
TREMERE: Sure. [slam] [muffled] Damn. Must learn how to do that.
VENTRUE: Now, we might be onto something with this "curse" business. We haven't heard from Gangrel yet, and we need a female opinion at this juncture. What do you think, Gangrel?
[silence]
VENTRUE: Gangrel?
[more silence]
VENTRUE: Anybody seen Gangrel?
RAVNOS: Errr, actually, we've had a bit of a disagreement ...
MALKAV: Awww, doesn't Mummy wuv you any more?
RAVNOS: Suck off.
MALKAV: DOES she do it doggy-style?
[biff]
RAVNOS: Thank you, Brujah.
BRUJAH: No prob, bro.
VENTRUE: Okay, so what gives with this curse thing?
SAULOT: Well, they say that the first two sons of the first man had to give offerings to God. The first brother gave plants and stuff, and the second brother gave animal blood.
ALL: Yeah! Alright! Sounds great! Cool!
SAULOT: So the older one -- Cain, I think -- killed Abel, the younger one, and was cursed by God for the very first murder.
HASSAM: Innovative man, this Cain.
SUTEKH: Ssso, we're dessscended from a psssychopathic greengrocccer. How about we're dessscended from the MURDERED one, ssso that we are the CHOSSSEN of God, the INHERITORSSS of DIVINE POWER, the--
MALKAV: You REALLY have a God complex, don't you Sutekh? Tell me about your mother. Did she lock you in a cupboard? Or--
[biff]
BRUJAH: Final warning, kook.
VENTRUE: Sutekh, please, stop standing on your chair.
TREMERE: I like the "cursed by God" thing, actually.
VENTRUE: How did YOU get in here?
TREMERE: Correspondence. Don't you know ANYTHING? Hey, Saulot!
SAULOT: Yeah?
TREMERE: I JUST worked out where I've seen you before. Could I have a word with you outside? It won't take more than five minutes. Promise.
SAULOT: Sure. You seem like a decent enough fellow.
[slam]
LASOMBRA: Wonder what he wants ... anyway ...
TOREADOR: I think I prefer the older brother. He's a charming, regal figure who diligently sacrifices for his Lord, but is consumed by jealousy into a desperate act -- which he regrets later, of course -- but TOO LATE to avoid the harsh judgment of an UNCARING God, and is DOOMED to wander the earth, OUTCAST from his fellow man! Oh, the horror! Oh, the HUMANITY! Oh, the ANGST!
BRUJAH: What's an "angst"?
SUTEKH: Oh, it'sss a kind of a crossss, but with a loopy bit on top. My guysss love 'em.
BRUJAH: Oh. [pause] I don't get it ...
TOREADOR: Philistines.
[scream from outside]
TZIMISCE: Vat the hell vas that?
NOSFERATU: Sounded like Saulot. HEY! YOU GUYS SHUT UP OUT THERE!
[door opens]
TREMERE: Oh, sorry, uhhh ... Saulot says to say that, uhhh, he ... had to leave -- real quick, like ... uhhh, but he was REAL happy about it, and, uhhh, he was glad he caught up with you guys again.
NOSFERATU: Is it me, or does he look kinda pale?
VENTRUE: Who cares? Getting back to this curse thing ...
LASOMBRA: So, are we his direct Progeny, then? 'Cos if so, how come we don't know where he is now?
MALKAV: Errr, he made us, then ran away. Really fast.
RAVNOS: No, no, no, he made some OTHER guys first, and then THEY made US ...
TOREADOR: And he repented of The Horror He Had Unleashed Upon The Earth! And banished himself from the sight of ALL!
MALKAV: AND ran away really fast.
TOREADOR: If you must.
VENTRUE: But how come we're all so different?
TOREADOR: The Curse works in Mysterious Ways ...
NOSFERATU: Yeah! I used to be the most handsome man in the world ...
RAVNOS: Yeah, right.
LASOMBRA: And I had a reflection!
BRUJAH: Can I have been a philosopher?
RAVNOS: And Toreador used to have taste ...
MALKAV: And I used to be insane!
[silence]
VENTRUE: I think we might be pushing our luck here.
SUTEKH: Any BETTER ideasss?
VENTRUE: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. Magick?
TREMERE: Aye.
VENTRUE: That's one.
[silence]
VENTRUE: Okay, aliens from the planet Yuggoth?
MALKAV: Twenty-three.
VENTRUE: Your multiple personalities don't count, Malkav.
MALKAV: Awww ...
VENTRUE: The chosen son of God? ... Sutekh, Lasombra, Tzimisce. Any others?
HASSAM: Aye.
VENTRUE: Okay, that's four. Cursed children of a psychopathic green- grocer? ... That's four, plus myself, five.
[groans]
LASOMBRA: Swinging the vote, you black-balling bureaucrat!
VENTRUE: If you don't like it, go and form your OWN group.
LASOMBRA: Maybe I will.
VENTRUE: Okay, then, I charge all of you to disperse this data to your Progeny, and I'll have MY people send out memos in triplicate to YOUR people before the start of the next fiscal year. Meeting adjourned! [banging noise, general muttering and shuffling] Drinks anyone?
MALKAV: I think Tremere just ate. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhh ...
TZIMISCE: Vy did you throw him out ze window, Bruhah?
BRUJAH: I dunno, man, just something I had to do ... [sulking] none of you understand me, anyway ...
HASSAM: [whispered] Hey, Tremere!
TREMERE: What?
HASSAM: Saulot -- you did him in, didn't you? You snuffed him. Sucked him dry.
TREMERE: Uhhh ... yeah, I did.
[silence]
HASSAM: What's it like?
-
The Scots keep the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
The Welsh pray on their knees and their neighbours;
The Irish who never knew what they believe - but were willing to fight to keep on believing it;
The English considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
-
Funny little cartoon
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/breakhellglass.jpg)
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(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/water.png)
-
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."
-
(http://comic.awegasm.net/strips/shortcuts.png)
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(http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x94/Shadowphile/Suitsme.jpg)
Any suggestions for the last one?
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(http://www.silvercrow.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/070430.jpg)
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LMFAO
-
I know you've already had a cyanide and happiness one, but I couldn't resist... ^_^
(http://fc22.deviantart.com/fs36/f/2008/256/c/1/Limbs_by_kris_wilson.png)
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Tried to embed a youtube video but I can't figure out how or if I can so here's a link to a funny video from the end of an old PS2 game I loved.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7WZyA3h7iE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7WZyA3h7iE)
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LMAO
I totally had forgotten that one
-
Are there any girls there? Because I want to DO them!
-
Roll to see if I'm drunk!
-
Some more Cyanide & Happiness
(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/woah.png)
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Wow, that is messed....
-
I realize Christmas is past but this was too funny to pass up.
http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf
(http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf)
Type the name of any Christmas carol. They forget the words halfway through Jingle Bell Rock. Type in the name of any other song too, just for fun.....
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And I die ALOT on the inside....
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(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/tellmywife.png)
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Here, let me show you...... :evil3:
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(http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicpineappppples.png)
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I will never look at pineapples the same way ever again....